“My kids just aren’t listening to me!” Particularly as the summer vacation months begin, many mothers complain that their kids are not listening to them. And because kids are home now for the summer and at home a lot more, moms are really feeling it!
This can drive any mom to her wit’s end. But there are real reasons why your kids are not listening and it’s important to realize that nothing is wrong with you!
There may be some skills that you need to learn, but be assured that there is nothing that is wrong with you or your children. But if that is the case, why are so many moms pulling their hair out and feeling so frustrated?
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And the most important point is that the tide can change. We can turn this thing around with some targeted strategies, so read on!
Here are five reasons why your kids are not listening:
1) The Summer Routine and Being at Home is a Drastic Transition for Kids :
Let’s take a look at this through the eyes of a child. All year your kids are in school and because there are generally at least 20 kids in a class, the classroom is most likely very structured. The kids know what they are doing the first thing in the morning and they know what they will be doing at 10 o’clock.
They also know exactly when they will be eating a snack and eating lunch. If they don’t eat their lunch during the allotted 25 minutes or so, they won’t be eating. When kids have a daily routine like this, life is very predictable, secure and makes for a lot of great experiences.
Kids usually thrive under these circumstances and although they may face other issues at school, the structure helps kids feel safe and secure. They thrive in such environments. However, they are happy to come home at the end of the day because their home life is also safe and secure. For the first time all day they are in a less structured environment. At home, they play uninterrupted for an extended period of time and a number of options are available. Yes, they have homework but there is also free time, electronics, toys, and TV. And this is truer on the weekends when kids relax at home.
Home is associated with a more relaxed, less structured part of their day, a time that there are many more personal choices. Of course there is a nightly routine of dinner and bath, but in general, kids experience a more unstructured and relaxed time at home.
Come the summer and the unstructured environment is multiplied tenfold. Kids, even if they are in camp, generally leave later and come home earlier. The long days of summer also generally mean later bedtimes.
So it is understandable that kids sometimes associate the unstructured environment with not having to listen. Home life is different than school and the consequences of not listening are not as dire as they are in school.
This can lead to moms feeling really frustrated when suddenly they have kids aren’t listening. But wait, there is hope.
The transition from school to summer can be difficult for moms and kids alike. Especially for work- at- home moms, the lack of quiet time to work can be extremely frustrating! All moms are frustrated at the lack of time that they have to get things done.
2) Setting Clear Expectations when Kid’s Aren’t Listening:
As a teacher in a busy middle school. I see many young or new teachers coming into school with the best of intentions and then struggling with discipline. Every teacher remembers how difficult discipline was in the early days of teaching. But like teachers, some moms need to exercise and grow their discipline muscle.
Discipline does not mean screaming or yelling to make kids behave. It means that we need to set clear expectations and make sure that kids understand what they have to do. It is then up to us to make sure and follow through.
One of the great ways to do this is to practice with your kids. So this is what it looks like. Let’s say I tell my kids. “When Mommy calls you, you have to come right away”
Now that you have set the expectation, you will want to practice having your kids follow the expectation. Tell your kids to pretend that they are playing. Now tell them, “Ok kids, in 5 minutes I will be calling you for lunch.” In five minutes you say, ok time to come for lunch.” The kids should (within a few seconds) put down what they are doing and come for lunch.
If they waited too long to come, you can model for them what coming right away looks like. You can have one of them call you to lunch and you can show them how you want them to respond to you when you call. They will love this and it will be clear to them what you want. Make sure that you are consistent and that every time they need to listen to you the first time that you ask them to do something.
3) Lack of Structure:
Kids thrive in structure, so if you find that the lack of structure is having a negative effect on your kids, create some structure to their day.
Perhaps the day could look something like this
7:30 Wake up and dressed
8:00 Breakfast
8:30 – 10:00 free play
10:00 -10:15 snack on the patio
10:15 -11:00 outdoor play or pool
11:00 – 12:00 quiet reading time or activity
12:00 – 12:30 lunch
12:30 – 2:00 Play time
2:00 – 4:00 Park or other activity
Obviously, you would have to adjust the schedule in a way that works for you. The point is that if you can create a structured schedule your kids will know what to expect and be calmer and more able to listen.
Transitioning from a very structured schedule in school to a very unstructured schedule at home is also not easy for kids. Because they are so unstructured it may seem like they are not listening but it is really an adjustment for them and takes time. Make your kids aware of the schedule and let them know that they have to listen to you just like they need to listen to their teacher in school
4) Confusion about the Parenting Role and Listening:
This can be a result of the summer, but some moms generally struggle with discipline in the home. And it’s really no wonder because there are so many conflicting views out there.
Some parents believe that children should have equal say in the rules that govern the home. Although I would not tell a parent that their views are wrong, I would share my experience.
In my experience, kids want to know that they can count on their parents to set boundaries for them. Boundaries help kids to feel safe and secure. That doesn’t mean that a parent will never ask a child what he thinks. But at the end of the day, a parent is a parent because he is older, wiser and has more life experience. A child cannot possibly have the same understanding as an adult.
Parents must believe that they make the right decisions for their children (and have the children’s best interests at heart). Therefore a parent must insist that his children listen to him/her. If your kid’s aren’t listening, you can get some ideas about what to do in this post: How to Stop Yelling by Using Consequences.
5) Home organization:
When there are 20 or more kids in a classroom, there are many systems in place to keep the classroom neat and running smoothly. Kids know where supplies are kept and they know the rules for using them. At home, especially during the summer. kids are using more toys, more supplies and the house can get messy quickly.
When the house is not in it’s usual organized state, it is frustrating for us parents as well as for our kids. Kids need renewed guidelines about how to use supplies and put them away. They also need to know that when they finish one activity, they need to clean up before they start the next one.
When the kids are home for long periods of time, it may be wise to put away some key possessions to avoid messes and frustration.
I hope that these five reasons will give you some insight as to why your kids may not be listening. Switching gears to being at home, being in a less disciplined environment with less structure and less clear expectations and organization can cause less adherence to rules. I hope that understanding some of these reasons will help you to design a plan to achieve more balance in the summer and beyond.
Please write to me if you have any questions and comment, like and share this with your friends!
You may also enjoy:
1) How to provide the Best Summer Activities for your kids
2) How to Organize your Home to be a Better Parent
3) How to stop the Yelling and Restore Calm