Did you know that many parents believe a common myth about natural consequences? For some reason, they have a very bad rap. Parents now believe that consequences are heartless and even cruel, and have no place in today’s modern parenting. However, consequences are a part of life. If I leave my new book outside on the porch and forget about it when it starts to rain, who can guess what will happen? If I park in a tow zone and come back in two hours, where is my car? Is the tow truck cruel? Can I take the rain to court?
I imagine that consequences, like anything else, can be delivered in a cruel fashion (Didn’t I tell you so??) However, as parents, our job is to prepare our kids for life. Real cruelty is not allowing our kids to experience the consequences of their actions. Mom won’t most likely be around when her child arrives late to work every day or decides to go to a movie, rather than meet his tax deadline.
We want our children to be able to stand up to the challenges of life. We want our children to act responsibly and to think before they seek temporary pleasures that are detrimental in the long run.
Natural Consequences Prepare Children for Life
As parents, our main goal is to prepare our children for life. If we don’t allow them to experience natural consequences we cripple them when they go out into the world. Shielding children from the consequences of their actions create entitled children who are shocked when things don’t go their way. This produces rigid children who are inflexible in many situations.
It is more productive to let our kids experience the natural consequences of their actions.
It is important to understand that we are not cruel to our children by allowing them to experience natural consequences. On the other hand, we can’t send them out into the wilds without first teaching them what proper expectations are. This means that we have to think very carefully about what our children need to know. Only then can we allow them to experience consequences.
Gradual Experience
We also want to teach our children gradually. Our children shouldn’t experience all of the consequences of their actions in one fell swoop! We begin by gentle experiences. If a child doesn’t come when we call him to dinner, we gently take his hand and lead him to the table while turning off the TV. We explain that there is a schedule and the whole family runs better when all family members stick to it. Over time, we allow them more experiences.
As parents, it’s our job to prepare children for whatever they may experience. Of course, we can’t prepare them for every situation and every experience. However, by giving them basic tools we assure that they will function effectively in the world.
So for instance, if we teach our children to fulfill certain responsibilities, we do our part. This is an assurance that when they are no longer under our guidance, they use these lessons outside our home.
So let’s take some examples at home. When we teach our children to clean up toys when they finish playing, they learn to put things away at school. We expect an older child to clean up their toys, so we set clear expectations about their responsibility. If a child decides not to clean up toys and we have to do it for him/her, then we remove the toy for a few days. When our child has shown us that he/she can put things away where they belong, we return the toy. This should be done in a matter-of-fact, pleasant way because we are teaching, not blaming or scolding.
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Expectations Require Training
When we teach our children new skills we teach them with patience. Let’s say we have taught our children to put their dirty laundry into the laundry basket in order to be washed. We cannot tell our children once and then expect that they will do it from that time on. Children are young and learning new skills takes time. So it’s important to teach them until they really understand what they need to do and it becomes a habit. Teaching them once or twice and then allowing them to experience natural consequences, would be unfair.
But once we guide them for several weeks and they clearly know the routine, we fil the requirements to make sure that they do what is expected. Then we can tell our children that from now we expect them to put their clothes in the hamper by themselves. Here again, we continue to guide them. If they forget to put their clothes in the hamper we need to show them that we’ll remind them in the beginning but this is something that is their responsibility and must eventually do on their own.
Independent Children
After we are sure that they understand the routine, and we have watched them become proficient at it, then we can be assured that we have taught them correctly. Now that they have gained the habit, we expect them to do it on their own. And again we are not trying to catch our children out. If something unexpected happens, we are not going to penalize them because of it.
However, if weeks have gone by and we are sure that we have set up a routine that we know our children have followed and are able to follow, then we expect our children to follow through.
So if a child forgets to put his clothes in the hamper or is busy playing and ignores his/her responsibility, and has been reminded, then we can allow a child to experience natural consequences.
Natural Consequences – Not Punishments
It is important to understand that natural consequences are not punishments but rather the consequences that come from not fulfilling a responsibility or following an expectation. So for example, if a child doesn’t get his clothes in the hamper, they don’t get washed because you only wash the clothes that are in the hamper.
Again this is not a punishment. You want to wash his/her clothes but the way you wash clothes is by taking the hamper and putting whatever is in the hamper in the washing machine. If something is not in the hamper it won’t be washed. It is difficult for a parent watching his child cry when he doesn’t have clean clothes. However, this is part of allowing our children to experience the natural consequences of their actions.
If we capitulate and continually shield our children from experiencing the natural consequences of their actions, we produce rigid, entitled children who blame others when they mess up, rather then take responsibility for themselves.
The Negative Effects of Shielding Children From Consequences
As a teacher and coordinator in a busy Middle School, I often see parents blame their children’s teachers when the children do not do well on a test or forget to write down their homework. This is very sad because these parents raise entitled and uncooperative children. Of course, teachers also train their students to follow directions and write down required due dates, etc. However, by teaching children responsibilities at home, we often see that this training follows through to school. Children take responsibility for their actions in school as well.
Children grow into responsible adults when they are taught that the buck stops here. When most of us were children, if we forgot a due date or left our lunches home, we would get a zero or be hungry. These experiences taught us that we can’t blame others when we mess up. Parents and teachers are not being cruel when they allow students to experience these natural consequences. On the contrary, they are preparing competent and confident children, who are self-reliant and are prepared to cope with challenges when they go out into the world.
Compassionate Parenting
It is important to remember when our children do experience these natural consequences, that we let this be the child’s experience. We do not have to rub it in or make comments such as, “you knew this would happen,” or any negative reference of the sort. We can be compassionate and express our empathy but we should not add more salt to the wound. And at the same time, we do not have to blame him/her or anyone else. We can simply empathize and tell him or her how painful this is, but that we are sure he/she will do better next time.
So natural consequences are definitely a learning experience for our children and a positive one at that. Don’t be afraid to let your child experience them. You will be teaching him/her important and positive lessons, ones that will surely prepare him for life.
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